gossamer_musings | Being and Doing (Reply)

In talking to Julian's therapist today, we have realized that being a writer--the state of being a writer--is important to us, but that desire has eclipsed the ability to write. In that vein, I wanted to reflect on our experiences of selfhood a little.

One of the commitments that helped us drag ourselves out of the ipseity disturbance hole was a firm commitment to defining ourselves by the things we do. But a body does so many things in a day, and many of them unconsciously. Am I a breather; am I defined by the action of breathing? In some ways, yes, I am. Without drawing in breath, this body could not live. The state of not breathing is the state of death. And a dead body could not support our thinking selves. Why do I not include unconscious acts within my self image?

Descartes argues that a human being is a 'thinking thing.' Whereas all other objects in the universe are just matter extended in three dimensions (including animals and plants), human beings are made of res cogitans, the act of thinking itself. God ties us to the world through some mysterious organ in the body, subjecting us to the imperfect horror of a subjective world, where we must struggle to perceive eternal truths which our bodies conceal from our immortal souls. Or something like that. I only ever took an introductory philosophy class.

Let me take Descartes seriously for a moment though. I am a thinking thing inside a body composed of matter extended in three dimensions. Anything I perceive clearly and distinctly--such as the width of a triangle--must be true. I know I am a thinking thing because I perceive, through clear thought, that I am this. Here again, act supersedes being, as we have tried to allow ourselves to believe.

It makes sense to me that a mind mired in uncertainty would clutch at the definition action gives the world. Action produces change. Action shows me that I am still real.

Looking back, this is what I would say to that older us.

I am what I am. The substance I am made of is me. I am the substance of myself. I will be what I will be. I can only be what I am, because I am made of my substance. 'I' is a neutral quality. Being is an act. I can define myself only with reference to myself.

Breathing is part of me because I breath. Writing is part of me because I write. Thinking is a part of me because I think. If I do wrongly, it is part of me. If I do well, it is part of me. But none of this is me.

I will be what I was and I was what I will be.

The self is without reference and without peer, the self is indefinable, and yet it permeates the world.

I am what I was I will be what I am I was what I will be.